Musings
People will ask me how I do it? Raise 4 kids essentially on my own.
Others will tell me I am admired, I amaze them and so on.
While I smile, thank them and try to accept the comments as sincere, as compliments, inside it just tears at me.
Don’t get me wrong, I smile and appreciate what is said. It is great to hear and lift my spirits for a short period. I can remember it was said on a truly bad day.
The honest truth. I wonder most of the time how I do it. I cannot ever truly add up my monthly expenses against my income because I will crumble. it rarely matches and I still cannot figure out how I do it.
This happened and I have been thinking on it for a while. I took my 4 kids and myself to a movie. We were given gift cards from dear friends and we do not go to first run movies often because of the cost. We chose a matinee I get 2 kid and 3 adult tickets which equal just over $47. I have earned $10 in movie rewards so it is now $37. I hand them $45 in gift cards and we go in.
I look around at all the families. we are there and no snacks. Everyone else seems to have them. My youngest has no real grasp of these costs and after I tell her no, many times, I just feel like an ogre.
I break down and get a little candy, drink and popcorn for them to share and it is another $17. There are still gift cards, though now, we cannot go to another movie as a family like this. While my kids are enjoying the movie, I am running numbers in my head.
I know not every family can go to movies. That it is an extra for many. It is just an example. An example of the struggles I have internally. The every time I go to do things, or even think of doing things, I have a running spreadsheet in my head of cost, bills and all of that before I touch my wallet
I work hard at my job, I do get support from their dad. I am not one who is prone to complaining. I just have this all weighing on my mind all the time. It is a huge factor in my life.
Thank you to those you make the compliments they do. They are very difficult to hear though appreciated.
As I was Saying...Or circular thinking :) 